Halloween with Lindsey

The holidays are approaching. . . We carved pumpkins last night as a family and put the assorted glowing jack o lanterns on the front porch. We had so much fun, yet still an awareness as we are laughing and talking, when I realize that family is not as many as there used to be . . . counting plates and silverware and noticing the numbers don’t match . . . I count and recount . . . everything is off by two . . . because Lindsey and Josh aren’t here . . . I am reminded of the quiet, sad place in my heart as I have to catch my breath just a little.
Lindsey loved to celebrate everything. She loved parties, birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners, baby and bridal showers, receptions and Halloween. She never wanted to miss anything and she counted everything as the social event of the year. And she always wanted to help with the preparations, decorations, planning and . . . not so much the clean-up.
I guess when you face the possibility of not being able to be with family or celebrate holidays they become extra special. With each of the four brain tumors over the last eleven years and every treatment we faced, we had to consider the possibility of an empty seat at the dinner table, or an empty place around the Christmas tree, or having her birthday come and go and not be able to see the joy on her face as she blows out her candles on her birthday cake.
Now that fear is our reality. Lily our first granddaughter who is three saw a picture last night of Lindsey and asked where she was. “Where’s Linzzy” “Where’s Linzzy?” Again, my heart jumps and I am aware of the tightness in my chest. I just say “She’s not here.”
Lindsey had faced death so many times that what grew out of that deep fear, despair and misery was a love for life and passion for the simple things, the smell of the autumn air or the sun coming through the window, or looking forward to the next holiday.
So, when it came to Halloween, Lindsey loved to celebrate . . . she loved Halloween almost as much as her birthday. She loved the harvest, the beginning of school, pumpkins, fall colors, warm fall days, and the opportunity to dress up in crazy costumes. In the last five years of her life she spent a lot of time during the year talking and brainstorming about ideas for costumes to wear at Halloween.

In 2008 she was a muscleman.

In 2009 Lindsey was Budda, and her husband Josh was Moses.

Last year Lindsey was "Jabba The Hutt" and Josh was "Yoda" with their dog as "Darth Vader"

We were so happy to make it to Halloween because it symbolized the completion of Lindsey’s 9 week radiation treatments of her spine and brain. There were days when she would throw up 7 -8 times a day. She had been so sick in the summer because of the cranial fluid pressure that by the time she was done with radiation Lindsey had lost 30 pounds. I have never seen anyone so sick.
Yet, true to Lindsey’s nature she wanted to come downstairs and be a part of the Halloween party. She sat in her place in the recliner and watched her nieces and nephews on both sides of the family play in their costumes. She got to hear the doorbell and the many requests for “Trick or Treat.” I remember her with just barely enough energy to hold her head up and yet smiling because she got to be a part of the family party.
We were all so hopeful that the treatments would stop the progression of the tumors in her spine. Last year our fall party was truly a celebration of gratitude for family, josh’s family, Lindsey’s presence and our trust in God that he was hearing our prayers and would grant Lindsey more time with us . . . even until the next holiday.