Getting Caught Up

So, the last couple of blog posts included ideas about helping children with their feelings and dealing with feelings as a parent. As many of you know I just had my second daughter pass away on August 24, 2011 from a brain tumor. I wanted to share my feelings as a mother, about what it was like to care for her for almost 11 years and then watch her quietly go to sleep and slip away from us.

It has only been a few weeks since all this transpired and in all honesty I haven’t even been able to talk about it let alone write about it. But, I feel like I need to write it down for my own healing and that I need to share Lindsey’s story.

Some of what needs to be expressed is so tender and sacred I hope in my sharing it with you it does not diminish the experience. It is my humble desire that by sharing her story, it will bless your life and the life of others. Writing about her somehow keeps her memory alive and helps me feel close to her.

This child that came into my world brought with her own individual issues, as each child does. And she brought with her, a unique set of gifts and blessings, the same as every child. All of my children have added to my life in miraculous ways.

So in telling Lindsey’s story this is not to glorify her suffering, or propose that I loved her more because I am writing about her, I am telling our family’s story and how her illness affected all her siblings and our family as a whole. All of us were impacted by Lindsey’s Illness and her death. Some of the pain I carry is the pain of my other children who lost their friend and sister.

I am also writing her story knowing that there are other families who have lost a son/daughter or sibling in some way or another. I know that reaching out in this way could help us all find comfort together.

As family members who have survived tragedy, we are the ones with the broken hearts, unfilled dreams and goals, and grieving the loss of what might have been.

Whether the loss is due to tragedy, illness, addictions, giving up a baby for adoption, or infertility and not being able to conceive a child. This kind of suffering needs comfort that can only come by finding peace for our individual loss.

How do we get to peace?

How can we find a lasting sense of comfort in our grieving.

I am not sure, except that this is what we will be exploring together for the next little while on the blog. It would be so helpful if those that are following this blog share your own ideas about finding peace in spite of the loss of a loved one. Your ideas may bring a source of comfort that could help me personally and my family however, it could help others a well.. My role as a mother, caretaker, friend and confidant to Lindsey has come to an end in this world. She has progressed into another sphere without me.

For me I am left empty, wanting, and searching for something to fill that void where she lived, played, laughed and danced. A new life is emerging, a life without Lindsey. It feels strange and uncomfortable. I feel like I am clumsily walking in the dark and searching for something familiar so I can get my bearings.

Come with me as we take this journey together. Some of you are further down this path than I am and some will join us as we move along. At least we will have each other while we face separation and the pain of death and seek to find comfort in tragedy.

I have heard from those that have been down this road before me, that the first year is the hardest. I am nervous to face the upcoming holidays. If you have any suggestions or ideas please feel free to post them. Not only am I trying to navigate for myself through this time of grieving, but also to help my children.