Halloween with Lindsey

The holidays are approaching. . . We carved pumpkins last night as a family and put the assorted glowing jack o lanterns on the front porch. We had so much fun, yet still an awareness as we are laughing and talking, when I realize that family is not as many as there used to be . . . counting plates and silverware and noticing the numbers don’t match . . . I count and recount . . . everything is off by two . . . because Lindsey and Josh aren’t here . . . I am reminded of the quiet, sad place in my heart as I have to catch my breath just a little.
Lindsey loved to celebrate everything. She loved parties, birthdays, Christmas, Sunday dinners, baby and bridal showers, receptions and Halloween. She never wanted to miss anything and she counted everything as the social event of the year. And she always wanted to help with the preparations, decorations, planning and . . . not so much the clean-up.
I guess when you face the possibility of not being able to be with family or celebrate holidays they become extra special. With each of the four brain tumors over the last eleven years and every treatment we faced, we had to consider the possibility of an empty seat at the dinner table, or an empty place around the Christmas tree, or having her birthday come and go and not be able to see the joy on her face as she blows out her candles on her birthday cake.
Now that fear is our reality. Lily our first granddaughter who is three saw a picture last night of Lindsey and asked where she was. “Where’s Linzzy” “Where’s Linzzy?” Again, my heart jumps and I am aware of the tightness in my chest. I just say “She’s not here.”
Lindsey had faced death so many times that what grew out of that deep fear, despair and misery was a love for life and passion for the simple things, the smell of the autumn air or the sun coming through the window, or looking forward to the next holiday.
So, when it came to Halloween, Lindsey loved to celebrate . . . she loved Halloween almost as much as her birthday. She loved the harvest, the beginning of school, pumpkins, fall colors, warm fall days, and the opportunity to dress up in crazy costumes. In the last five years of her life she spent a lot of time during the year talking and brainstorming about ideas for costumes to wear at Halloween.

In 2008 she was a muscleman.

In 2009 Lindsey was Budda, and her husband Josh was Moses.

Last year Lindsey was "Jabba The Hutt" and Josh was "Yoda" with their dog as "Darth Vader"

We were so happy to make it to Halloween because it symbolized the completion of Lindsey’s 9 week radiation treatments of her spine and brain. There were days when she would throw up 7 -8 times a day. She had been so sick in the summer because of the cranial fluid pressure that by the time she was done with radiation Lindsey had lost 30 pounds. I have never seen anyone so sick.
Yet, true to Lindsey’s nature she wanted to come downstairs and be a part of the Halloween party. She sat in her place in the recliner and watched her nieces and nephews on both sides of the family play in their costumes. She got to hear the doorbell and the many requests for “Trick or Treat.” I remember her with just barely enough energy to hold her head up and yet smiling because she got to be a part of the family party.
We were all so hopeful that the treatments would stop the progression of the tumors in her spine. Last year our fall party was truly a celebration of gratitude for family, josh’s family, Lindsey’s presence and our trust in God that he was hearing our prayers and would grant Lindsey more time with us . . . even until the next holiday.

Getting Caught Up

So, the last couple of blog posts included ideas about helping children with their feelings and dealing with feelings as a parent. As many of you know I just had my second daughter pass away on August 24, 2011 from a brain tumor. I wanted to share my feelings as a mother, about what it was like to care for her for almost 11 years and then watch her quietly go to sleep and slip away from us.

It has only been a few weeks since all this transpired and in all honesty I haven’t even been able to talk about it let alone write about it. But, I feel like I need to write it down for my own healing and that I need to share Lindsey’s story.

Some of what needs to be expressed is so tender and sacred I hope in my sharing it with you it does not diminish the experience. It is my humble desire that by sharing her story, it will bless your life and the life of others. Writing about her somehow keeps her memory alive and helps me feel close to her.

This child that came into my world brought with her own individual issues, as each child does. And she brought with her, a unique set of gifts and blessings, the same as every child. All of my children have added to my life in miraculous ways.

So in telling Lindsey’s story this is not to glorify her suffering, or propose that I loved her more because I am writing about her, I am telling our family’s story and how her illness affected all her siblings and our family as a whole. All of us were impacted by Lindsey’s Illness and her death. Some of the pain I carry is the pain of my other children who lost their friend and sister.

I am also writing her story knowing that there are other families who have lost a son/daughter or sibling in some way or another. I know that reaching out in this way could help us all find comfort together.

As family members who have survived tragedy, we are the ones with the broken hearts, unfilled dreams and goals, and grieving the loss of what might have been.

Whether the loss is due to tragedy, illness, addictions, giving up a baby for adoption, or infertility and not being able to conceive a child. This kind of suffering needs comfort that can only come by finding peace for our individual loss.

How do we get to peace?

How can we find a lasting sense of comfort in our grieving.

I am not sure, except that this is what we will be exploring together for the next little while on the blog. It would be so helpful if those that are following this blog share your own ideas about finding peace in spite of the loss of a loved one. Your ideas may bring a source of comfort that could help me personally and my family however, it could help others a well.. My role as a mother, caretaker, friend and confidant to Lindsey has come to an end in this world. She has progressed into another sphere without me.

For me I am left empty, wanting, and searching for something to fill that void where she lived, played, laughed and danced. A new life is emerging, a life without Lindsey. It feels strange and uncomfortable. I feel like I am clumsily walking in the dark and searching for something familiar so I can get my bearings.

Come with me as we take this journey together. Some of you are further down this path than I am and some will join us as we move along. At least we will have each other while we face separation and the pain of death and seek to find comfort in tragedy.

I have heard from those that have been down this road before me, that the first year is the hardest. I am nervous to face the upcoming holidays. If you have any suggestions or ideas please feel free to post them. Not only am I trying to navigate for myself through this time of grieving, but also to help my children.

Managing Anger in Healthy Ways

Like it or not, most of us parents flip out in front of our dear children from time to time. Sometimes the anger is aimed at them, other times not, but it’s almost always a deeply unsettling experience. Fortunately, there are simple—sometimes surprising—steps you can take to repair the damage, not to mention avoid meltdowns in the future.
The occasional, non abusive freak out is generally much less damaging than regular fireworks, which send a child the message that he or she is not safe and that there’s something wrong with him.
Kids can actually learn an important lesson from seeing you lose your temper and then regain your cool. This provides an opportunity to show kids that we all get angry, but what really counts is how we repair things afterwards.
Where is the line between an occasional melt-down and having an anger management problem? A little self reflection and maybe you will be able to evaluate where you are on the spectrum of anger management.
Do You Have an Anger-Management Problem?
Could you be past “hot-tempered” and into the realm of needing help? Answer the following questions honestly.
• Do you lose your temper several times a week, even daily?
• Does your anger cause problems in your relationship with your spouse and your children?
• When you are angry do you engage in dysfunctional behaviors such as: blaming, name calling, screaming or yelling, hurting self or the people around you verbally or physically, punishing others with the silent treatment, turning to addictions, spending money as ways of coping with deep-seeded anger issues, etc.
• Do you take accountability for your outbursts and apologize for your behavior?
• Are you aware that you have a problem with anger management and are already actively working to improve your skills with managing your anger patterns?
These patterns may sound all too familiar.
Here are some ground rules for managing anger that you can work on at home. Please be aware that if you need help with anger management, please have the courage to seek help for the benefit of your spouse and children.

Here are some simple reminders that can help you keep your cool:
• When, dealing with a child’s angry outburst, be sure to ask the right question. Focus on the obvious. Look at possibilities as to why the child might be acting out. Is he hungry, bored, tired, or in need of attention? Try to meet his need instead of letting your anger get the best of you. Choose to respond instead of react. See beyond the behavior and look for what the child might need.
• When addressing your anger. Keep a journal that documents when you lose your cool. Look for patterns—what time of day do you get angry? Under what circumstances? Are you tired or hungry? Do you notice other similarities with your anger pattern? Work to improve those times of the day with better planning or lowering expectations of self or the child. Knowing the factors that contribute to loss of anger gives you an opportunity to avoid those situations. Ask the child to offer ideas to improve the situation. By giving your kids a voice you are empowering them to be part of the solution.
• Minimize marriage disputes. In a calm moment, you and your spouse should agree to handle your next argument differently. Give yourselves permission to walk away if you are getting too angry in front of the kids. Make an agreement that you’ll discuss the issue later, in private, when you’re calmer. Spouses fighting in front of the kids can add to them acting out in their behavior with more anger. Stop the anger cycle by managing your anger as a couple and handle your disagreements without the presence of the children.
• Find creative outlets to minimize angry outbursts. Set up a plan that can help interrupt the old pattern. Count to ten, take some deep breathes, put on music to lighten your mood, write out your feelings before things get explosive, go for a walk or a drive. Whatever your course of action, make a commitment to follow your plan the next time you feel anger welling up inside of you. Know that it will take practice to implement these new patterns and as you make improvements in managing your anger so will your children. Work together as a family to stop the anger cycle by maintaining healthy ways to release anger and frustration.
• Always take accountability for your own emotional outburst no matter the trigger or the cause. If your anger has already boiled over do not give into the temptation to blame your child or your spouse. Be the one that can apologize sincerely for your part and trust that you can help facilitate others apologizing for their part. This brings resolution, closure and healing. Otherwise the damage continues and the recovery time is so much longer and harder.
• In a marriage, success in a relationship is based on the couple’s ability to recover from disagreements. Successful marriages are able to use their communication and their personal skills in clearing the air, being able to extend love to each other, and then move on. They do not bring up old issues unless they are exploring patterns and working on issues. These are the same principles you want to model for your children.

Anger itself is not bad, it is part of our human experience. It is a built in mechanism designed to help us know when we are in danger. However, we oftentimes over respond with anger even when we are not in danger of losing our lives. Because most of our triggers for anger are not life threatening, we must improve our skills to read situations with better accuracy and respond with more appropriate behavior. It is what we do with anger that makes it destructive. With greater awareness, improving our anger management skills and letting go of old anger patterns, we can heal. You can be part of the healing in your family by learning to manage your own anger in healthy ways.

How To Manage Anger As A Parent

Here is an example of a mother who shares her experience about losing her temper with her children on a family vacation: (shared in the May 2011 Good Housekeeping magazine by Julie Taylor)

“My husband, our two kids and I were enjoying an idyllic trip to Hawaii, and taking in the beauty of the cliffs and coastline. And then my son threw a water bottle from the back seat towards my husband who was driving. It hit the windshield and made a ferocious bang. By some miracle we didn’t crash but we did lose control . . . both my husband and I started ranting, raving, screaming, threatening: “Why would you do that. . . don’t you know we could have been killed? Here we are taking you on the vacation of a lifetime, and you throw a water bottle for no reason?” And on and on we went, spewing way more venom that our preschooler could ever deserve or even comprehend for that matter.

Tears began rolling down our son’s cheeks, and his lip quivered as he fought back his sobs. After what seemed like an eternity to him, we calmed down and continued on our way, and I tried to bury the incident in the back of my mind.

I had almost forgotten all about it when, a few weeks later, I replayed our Hawaii-trip video. There I was, recording a waterfall out the window of the car. I tucked the camera into its bag - accidentally leaving it still recording – and then the “water bottle incident” occurred. Though the screen was black, I heard my husband and myself screaming at our son, badgering him, shaming him. Then it was my turn to fight back tears. How could I have freaked out like that in front of my kids? The rant sounded so much more vicious and vile than I remembered its having been, but there it was on tape—proof that I was a bad mom. I may have erased that incident from the vacation video, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase it from my memory.”

Like it or not, most of us parents flip out in front of our dear children from time to time. Sometimes the anger is aimed at them, other times not, but it’s almost always a deeply unsettling experience. Fortunately, there are simple, sometimes surprising steps you can take to repair the damage, not to mention steps that can be taken to avoid meltdowns in the future.

The high price of losing it on a regular basis in front of your kids can cause some real damage to their psyches. Kids that live with parents who show a lot of anger end up with less empathetic children. These kids are more aggressive and more depressed than peers from calmer families, and they perform worse in school. Anger has a way of undermining a kid’s ability to adapt to the world. There is research to support that the younger the kid the bigger the impact on the child because of being around intense anger on a regular basis.

However, the occasional, non abusive freak-out is generally much less damaging than regular fireworks, which sends a child the message that he or she is not safe and that there’s something wrong with him. That said, kids can actually learn an important lesson from seeing you lose your temper and then regain your cool. “this provides an opportunity to show kids that we all get angry, but what really counts is how we repair things afterward,” says McKay.

If your anger has boiled over, the most important thing to do now is to own up to what you’ve done wrong. Don’t give into the temptation to blame your child for triggering your outburst. “Say, I am very disappointed at your carelessness, but I shouldn’t have yelled like that. It was wrong for me to lose it in that way, and I am very sorry. Don’t over-do the apology or you can make a kid feel as if he’s truly been victimized. Then promise that you will try your best not to do it again. Comfort your child as needed and then move on.

People who live together get angry sometimes. Sometimes fighting between parents can be destructive. Couples can demonstrate emotional maturity when they take accountability for their conflict and apologize to each other and the kids for yelling. It is helpful if the parents offer reassurance and show forgiveness towards the spouse. It makes the child feel safe in seeing that there can still be love expressed even if there was a conflict. Then commit as a couple to handle other disagreements and fighting somewhere else without the kids. No need to drag kids deeper into your drama.

It is okay to give the reason for your anger, however; not a long list, but at least acknowledge that you were angry and then apologize for the way you expressed it. “Emphasize that you would never want them to act that way.” Also say you are sorry if your outburst scared or embarrassed them. (Let’s face it you probably did). Explain that you let your emotions get the best of you, and that you’ll handle it better next time. And then comes the real challenge: making sure that you do something to improve the way you handle your anger.

In our next post we will identify how to tell if you have an anger management problem and what you can do about it, but for now, know that even parents can be forgiven. We do not have perfect children and we are not perfect parents. We are all learning from our mistakes. In our parenting there are gifts in our imperfection, and we can help our children learn important lessons from seeing parents lose their temper, regain their cool and then work to make things good again.

Generational Patterns Part 3

Some of the generational patterns that have been passed on in families are beliefs about women and mothering. Different cultures, societies, and families have varying definitions about what it means to be a “good mother”. These expectations are linked to cultural and family expectations.

In our society, women link certain aspects of their self-esteem to their role as a woman and as a mother. Oftentimes women in our day and age place certain expectations towards self that are unrealistic. Mothers put a lot of pressure on themselves to be everything to everybody and in doing so, often judge or criticize themselves as women and as mothers, especially if they perceive they are falling short.

These beliefs are so rigid that if we, as women, are not living up to these expectations then we feel that we are failing. Living with this pressure to meet unrealistic expectations can weaken us in our mothering and undermine the work we were born to do as women.

Generational patterns are the spoken and unspoken rules that are modeled to the children that grow up to be parents. Our mother’s patterns of behavior and communication, verbal and non-verbal were modeled to her by her mother. These patterns are linked to cultural and family expectations.

Some unrealistic patterns or beliefs about mothering that become underlying stressors for women are:
• “My house is supposed to always be clean.”
• “Laundry is supposed to have an end.”
• “My body is supposed to look like what is presented in the media.”
• “Good mothers never get mad.”
• “Good mothers never need a break.”
• “Mothers are supposed to make everyone happy.”

Becoming aware of these deep rooted family patterns means we can let go of unrealistic expectations that are no longer useful. It means that we understand that what we are offering as a mother doesn’t have to match those that have gone before us or those presently living. It means that we see our weaknesses and our strengths in our mothering, instead of only seeing our weaknesses. When we can let go of these deep rooted family patterns we begin to notice and appreciate what we are doing that is working and what it is that we do well as mothers. This increases our confidence as a mother and thus our mothering skills improve.

We need benevolence and tolerance towards our self and other mothers as well. All of us are doing the best we can with what we have. Guilt only paralyzes us and causes us to feel powerless with our mothering. Let go of guilt and release what you don’t get done in the day, trusting that the dawn will bring a new start.

We can as mothers work with diligence and be committed to letting go of perfectionism. As we show tolerance and acceptance to ourselves it is then modeled to our children. Acceptance brings self-esteem and confidence. Learning to love ourselves and being patient with our mothering takes practice.

Generational Patterns Part 2: The Art Of Mothering

The baby is here! Rylie Kae McNeil was born June 3 at 12:49 am. She weighed 9 pounds and measured 21 inches long. She has a lot of beautiful black hair like her mom. Her mouth and face shape look like her grandpa Robinson. (Everyone has noticed!) She has her dad’s ears and her mom’s dark eyes. These are physical patterns that we can see.

There is also mothering or nurturing patterns that are noticeable as well. There are strong nurturing instincts when it comes to mothering in humans and in the animal world. Mothering brings out the beauty of being a woman. The need to protect and nurture are a powerful part of mothering. This is part of our genetic and our cultural patterns. Bonding between mother and child is important during the time right after birth.

With the two little ones to take care of now, my daughter as a young mother, will be bonding with a new baby and also striving to keep the bond she has with her oldest daughter strong and connected. With the arrival of a second baby in the family, it can mean a huge change for everyone. My daughter and her husband already have a game plan when it comes to handling this transition with a new baby. They have talked and come up with ideas to support their oldest child Lily.

They are aware of Lily and her need to still feel important and valued in the family even with the arrival of the new baby sister. Part of that plan includes:
• Special time with daddy while mom takes care of the baby.
• Alone time with mom while daddy takes care of the little one.
• Letting Lily help with the baby.
• Conversations with Lily explaining that they love Lily, even though there is a new baby in the family.
• Clear boundaries with Lily especially if Lily acts up. Teaching her to ask for love and attention with her words. Reinforcing that “words” are more effective than behavior.
• Focusing on praise when she asks for love in appropriate ways.
• Holding, cuddling, and reading to Lily as much as possible.
• Letting grandparents and other family members offer support.
• Being committed to date night. Knowing that mom and dad are better parents when they have consistent and regular time alone.

In watching this new beginning it brings back memories of my early days of mothering. I was very nervous about taking care of a newborn baby. (Yes, even the best game plan can end up with everyone crying and having an emotional melt-down.) But, there were things that had been modeled to me by my own mother that helped me and then there was information that came naturally to me about mothering. Also, I learned along the way what worked for each child and what didn’t. Confidence was established in me and my mothering abilities. It came over time.


Patterns of nurturing and mothering passed from my mother to me, are now being shown to my daughter, and she is modeling these same patterns of mothering to her oldest daughter Lily, who is watching and participating in taking care of a new born baby sister. And if you think about it, the baby is also learning about patterns of love and mothering through her experience. She is learning what nurturing feels like and the connection and bonding that her mother is expressing to her. This new little baby is actually learning, through her experience as a baby, about this special love that is created between mother and child. And when she grows up and becomes a mother herself, the art of mothering will continue to be passed on to yet another generation. Mothering is a part of our genetic and emotional patterning. The art of mothering illuminates the beauty of being a woman.

Generational Patterns Part 1

A new baby is coming into our family in the next few days. It is a new beginning for her and for us. She will be joining her sister Lily who is almost three. She will join us genetically and also in our family emotional patterns whether they are healthy or unhealthy. These generational patterns are not hers, but will be what she inherits as she takes on her body.

She is our second grandbaby and we are so thrilled about her arrival. We wonder what she will look like. Will she be dark haired or lighter in coloring? What will be the color of her eyes? What will her smile look like, her hands and feet? When her laughter joins her sister’s giggles, a friendship from heaven will be renewed.

We have been preparing for her for a long time now. There have been many who have come before her to provide a place for her here on earth. Their preparations include physical and spiritual preparations. Each family member has made a contribution to what we call “family” and “family learning”. I wonder what contribution she will make to our “family learning”?

We know her already, we know her from before we came here. Her body will not reveal her, but she will be familiar. How much of an influence will the genetics or “nature” have in her life? How much will “nurture” or her environment have in her life? We know that both factors will impact her.

We also know that her will can have power to over ride the effects of both. What patterns will she reject that she feels are no longer useful for her and what will she embrace and make her own?

Generational patterns include both genetic and emotional patterns as part of our life’s story. These patterns provide learning material and are part of our life’s curriculum. Musical, mathematical, linguistic strengths and other kinds of genius are born in families. Tendencies for addictions, anger, or depression also run in families.

Health conditions and genetic patterns for health and illness come with this physical body. These certain tendencies in so many different areas provide strengths to the individual and certain tendencies provide struggles or weaknesses. Strengths and weaknesses provide opportunities for learning and growth.

As grandparents I pray that we will help her navigate through this world and her generational patterns, so that she can fulfill her dreams, her life purpose and mission. Thank God for her new beginning and for our opportunity to begin again as grandparents. We hold a deeper commitment to express our love in better ways than ever before. We have a desire to model respect for self and respect for others through self-mastery and effective communication. We welcome this baby with hope for new and improved family patterns for her and hope for a better world for all of us.

Check in next week for info about her birth and more about generational patterns.